On top of it

I need some good judgment. I feel like I'm approaching a turning point in how I handle my day-to-day. Like maybe I'm ready to take ownership of building better habits, creating more stability, but how much is too much? At what point does a healthy amount of grown-up structure and responsibility turn into self-sabotage, prioritizing other work above my creative projects and creating excuses to jump ship when the creative work gets hard? I know I'm not alone in asking this, but it's an intimidating question.

I like to think there's not a wrong answer -- that it's about finding balance -- but I don't really believe that at the moment. At the moment, I feel like in order to be a really "good" person, I should not only earn money doing something that's good for the world, follow a regular exercise routine, and spruce up my apartment, but that I should also have a greeting card file with a year's supply for every occasion so that I'll always be the one who's on top of special days and not the one who puts off doing nice things for my friends until the last minute -- or later.

But Rachel, don't people who are really on top of those things, and, say, send you an Easter card, make you feel bad about yourself?
Yes.
Why do you want to make other people feel bad about themselves?
I don't.
But you sort of do.
I want to not feel guilty.
So you want other people to feel guilty?
I'm just saying, there's a fine line between being endearingly easygoing and whimsical and being a bad friend.

Why can't everything be as clearcut as a Bollywood dance number? Bollywood dance number = good time.



Lacy took this pic of McKenzie, me, and Dixie rehearsing for the Chalmers Monkey show.